" It never goes away. It just gets a little softer around the edges."
My mothers words on grief, and the death of her mother. Those words have bounced around my brain for ages. She spoke them to me many years ago, long before her own passing. As I learned to cope with her death they came back to the surface of my mind. She was right. When she first died, the pain was sharp like a punch to the gut. Sucking all of the air out of my chest. Out of my soul. I did not know how to breathe in this new world. I remember the day after she died my brother and I decided to get something to eat and talk about the next steps. It was a cold January morning but the sun was shining brightly and people were walking around, laughing and enjoying life. I remember feeling angry at these perfect strangers and wanting to scream at them- "what are you smiling about?! Don't you know my mom just died?" As the years have gone by however, the grief that surrounds her memory is softer, more bittersweet. Most times, there is room for the joy and laughter of her memory without the crippling pain that used to immediately follow.
Grief is irrational. It dredges up all kinds of visceral emotions whether we are prepared for it or not, whether it stems from the loss of death, a relationship or friendship, or a major transition in life. People often talk about the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. What I didn't hear as much was that those stages don't always go in order. Or how sometimes, they go on a repeat cycle that feels never ending.
Since my mothers death 13 years ago I have danced with grief many times. I've lost friends to addiction, loved ones have passed on, I've lost friendships that no longer served, grieved the many stages of watching my child grow up as versions of her disappeared, replaced by new ones, and I lost versions of myself along the way too- some of which I let go of willingly and some of which still have claw marks in them.
But no matter how much I might want to hold on, the truth is that endings -in all forms -are part of life. I'd like to say that after all the grief I've experienced, I've arrived at the place of acceptance and understanding that that's just the way it is or that I have some wisdom and grace around the subject. And in this moment, maybe I do. However, I know that when the next life altering event brings me to my knees again, I will start the cycle yet again. With a little more insight and self compassion, perhaps.
So the question is- how do we get over grief? Put simply, we don't. We learn to adjust. We can hold space for ourselves and our losses. We learn how to grow around the wound. It will scar over but it is still there, flaring up occasionally like old wounds do. And when it flares up and the pain hits us again, we can treat it like we would any other old injury. We can be a little gentler with ourselves while we work through the pain. We can talk to friends who have had similar injuries to see how they coped and we can seek professional help if it gets to be too much.
There is no getting around grief. But we always have the opportunity to rebuild.
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Thanks Jamie for posting this. I would say why, but the pain for me is too raw. So I cannot speak of it.
Your writing is beautiful by the way
Hi @englishivy31att.net - thank you for your comment. I understand that pain all too well. Wishing for comfort for you.